Retold

So, it’s my birthday today!  It’s been pretty good so far.  Matt’s going to get all the ingredients so I can make the baked mac & cheese, which will be slightly tricky without an oven, but I’m going to try to use my birthday crock pot to finish it.  Should be fine, as long as I don’t overcook the noodles.  Hopefully it won’t turn into mush, that would suck and make me cry. Oh, maybe I should check the list of crock pot recipe’s Phoena sent me, maybe they have one that uses noodles and I can see how they do it!

My Mom, Dad & Candi sent me an Amazon gift card for my birthday!  I love Amazon, so it’s something of a tradition. They’ve also sent me iTunes gift cards before, but Amazon is always a good choice because I’m a book-aholic.  I love to buy books and to read, so it’s perfect because I can do those things without ever leaving my house!  Go, go gadget agoraphobia!  Honestly, even if I didn’t read books, I’d still be able to use a gift card to Amazon.  They sell everything!!  You can buy everything from books to acne medicine over there. I’m pretty sure they even have groceries. I could get everything I need without ever leaving home. That would be awesome!!  No, I’m definitely spending it on books, I just don’t know which ones yet… I can’t make up my mind!!  I’ve picked two, for now, but I don’t know if that will change so I haven’t gone ahead and gotten them yet.  They’re just simmering in my cart, waiting to be bought.  I do that when I’m shopping at the store, too, put stuff in my cart and walk around a while trying to decide if I want it.  The only difference is, at the store, I usually put the stuff back.  I hardly ever put books back!

…(¨`·.·´¨)
…..`·.¸.·Kristyn

Over the past few months, where here or at the blog I just retired, I’ve made several small mentions of my impending birthday.  On July 23rd, I will be 30 years old.  I’ve mentioned it sporadically, I realize now, because as much as I like to tell myself that it doesn’t matters or that it’s not affecting me, well, it does matter and is affecting me, even as I strive to deny it.  I’m not overly concerned about being old.  Aging is a process of life, we all experience it.  However, turning 30 is a benchmark in one’s life, it’s a mark, a day to look back at the past three decades and consider what they’ve meant.  A day to look forward to the next three decades and wonder how they’ll be different.

I wish I could say that much had come of my twenties.  Then again, I suppose now a days, thirty is the new twenty five.  Everyone expected you to be totally together by the time you were twenty-five or you were a failure.  Now, if you’re thirty and still trying to figure out what you want from your life, you’re just taking the time to consider it.  I like it, or did up to the point that I’m turning thirty and am supposed to have it worked out.  Sadly, I’m far from having it worked out.

I want to write, but I don’t know that I have it in me to try and make a career of that.  I work well under pressure and deadlines only to the point that those pressures are overwhelming, then I close down.  I’m a bit of a basket case.  Creativity flows, I start to write, feel pressured by the idea and my creative center shuts down totally and I can’t think of anything.  Do you know what that’s like?  To sit and stare and literally be blank?  It’s so soothing and disturbing and empty.

I want to finish college.  I’m almost done.  I have something like 30 hours left to go.  Ironic, as I’m turning 30 this year.  So, maybe this will be the year I finish my education.  Initially, it was really important for me to graduate before I turned 30, but I think it’ll be okay as long as I finish before I’m 31.  I don’t know why, I mean, it seems silly.  What’ll be different next year?  I’ll be one year older, so what?! My friend is in her early thirties and finishing college.  But for me, it’s a personal goal.  I didn’t meet the first one, I’m not going to finish by the time I’m 30, but the second is more than attainable.

Other than those two little things, it would easier for me to say what I don’t want than what I do.  I know that in the years to come I don’t want to have kids.  I don’t want to stay in this house in this town.  I don’t want to gain any more f*cking weight.  I don’t want to waste away doing nothing like I did with the first three decades.  I don’t want to begin any new relationships, sad but true.  I’m fairly happy with the relationships I have, my husband and friends and those I know online.  This doesn’t mean I don’t want to make new friends, but I certainly want to be more selective about it than I have been previously because friendships are now and have always been very difficult for me.  I don’t want to have too many irons in the fire or start too many projects I won’t be able to finish. I don’t want to wonder how I got here, to this point in my life, nor do I want to retrace the steps because regrets are good for nothing.  Yes, we should always remember who we are and where we came from, we should remember our mistakes so we don’t make repeat performances, but to regret is to waste more time on something that is already a part of the past and impossible to change.  I don’t want to work in an office, doing something I hate for someone I can’t stand.  I don’t want to be so stressed out and uptight about things I have no control over.  I don’t want to obsess and worry and be a bitch.  I don’t want to argue about petty BS with people that don’t matter in the grand scheme of things.

I could probably go on and on, but those are the big things.  Turning 30 is affecting me.  I can’t stop it, but I can try to understand how I feel about it and how it’s changing me and my outlook.  I still have two months, two more months to be twenty-something.  I’m using them wisely, I’m going back to school in an effort to get that much closer to finishing my education.

Hopefully, 30 will be my most productive year yet.  Crossing my fingers.