Retold

I am so freaking pissed off right now!!

I’ve had a very long day.  VERY FREAKING LONG!  Hell, I’ve had a very freaking long week!!  Matt and I went to the eye doctor today, which was an ordeal for him because they did a bunch of extra crap.  We dished out $630 between the two of us so we can see; my god I hate paying for glasses!  We got him new shoes so I doesn’t die of a foot ache and got some odds and ends we needed from Wal-Mart.  I cooked dinner and finally managed to get to my studying for my Geology test at like 9:30pm tonight.  The stupid test is in the morning (like 10 hours from now).

Anyway, I’m done with the studying now, so I logged into Blackboard to check on my film studies class to find that my professor has returned the two weekly assignments from last week.  The weekly assignment’s have been a constant problem for me all semester.  They’re each worth 4% of my overall class grade and have an available score between 1 and 4.  Get it, 1 = 1%, while 4 = 4%.  Anyway, I keep getting 3′s, which aggravates me because I feel like my work is good.

So last week I emailed him a letter, expressing my concerns that I was being graded on stylistic choices, that is the structure of my sentences, rather than the content of the work.  It took him almost a week to email me back, but when he did, he basically said it was my fault that I was doing less than stellar work and that I should try to adhere to the assignment guidelines a little better.  What?!  Is he freaking serious?  I have been doing EXACTLY what the assignment guidelines tell me to do, to the letter.  We recently had an assignment that said, “chose one ideology and write about it.”  When I got the paper back, his comments said, “I expected you to write about more than one ideology.”  Huh?  The damn assignment said ONE!  I asked him about that specific incident in the letter I sent, but he said I took it too literally, that that wasn’t all the assignment said to do.  Well no shit, but I did the other things the assignment said to do.  Oh, and to make matters worse, he said the stupid assignment had to be 600 words or less.  Do you know what 600 freaking words is?  I wrote about ONE DAMN IDEOLOGY and went right up to 600 words on the dot.  If I’d done more, it’d have gone over, which is something he bitched at me about before, going over the stupid word limit.

Absolutely nothing makes this guy happy.  I’m a senior, about to graduate, and he’s treating me like a novice.  What’s worse, I’m starting to feel like one.  I mean, I thought I wrote just find and  I’ve written a hell of a lot of papers since coming to the University.  I’ve been able to make all my professors happy with my work.  Not a single one of them have said my work is confusing.  They’ve had other little problems here and there, but never a single one of them said my papers were “awkward” or “confusing.”  Even Dr. Q, who’s a total freaking dictator about headers, thought the body of my work was good overall.  Now, every single time I get a paper back from this guy, they say he’s confused about what I’m getting at, or that my points are awkward.  I’m sorry, but that’s ridiculous.  The harder I strive for clarity, the more he slaps me down.

So anyway, I opened my graded work that he emailed back to me and on the first one I got another fucking 3.  I swear to god, if I wrote the work in my own blood it wouldn’t make this guy happy.  Then, I opened the other one to find that… he’d given me a 2! That’s the equivalent of a 50% or an F.  I have never, ever, ever made a 50% on an English assignment at the university!  I might have cried if I wasn’t so pissed off.  I did what the assignment said to do.  One of his comments said “I should know which element you chose to write about within the first two sentences…”  The first sentence says what the element is.  The words “Costume and Make-up” are the first 3 fucking words of the paper!  How is that not clear?!  He gave me a 2 for Christ sake!  This is the first time I’ve made a 2 all semester, there’s no way that’s a coincidence the week after I sent him a letter suggesting I was having issues.  That’ll teach me to rock the boat.

Thank goodness this class only has two more weeks.  Still, in that two weeks, I have discussion board to answer, 2 more weekly reading quizzes, 4 more weekly assignments, and a 10 page paper due.   Almost 40% of my overall grade is due in the last 2 weeks of the class.  I will never take another class with this professor and regret, deeply, the day I signed up for this one.  If I had gone to the Central TX campus, rather than the one in Stephenville, I’d never have made it through school.  This prof is the head of English over there and teaches a lot of their classes.  Just two more weeks, I just keep telling myself that.

Oh, and as if that weren’t bad enough, I also have 3 more Geology class tests, 2 lab tests and 3 more labs.  I have a whole hell of a lot to do in the next two weeks and have no idea when or how I’m going to get it all done.  Right now, my biggest problem is that I’m terrified about the long paper.  It’s worth 20% of my overall grade and I’m scared he’s going to give me a bad grade.  I’ve not even started to write it yet.  My only consolation is that even if he gives me a 50% on the long paper, I’ll still probably make a C in the class, as long as I don’t get anymore damn 2′s.  Not that I want to make a C, mind you, I’d really like to make an A or a B, but there’s absolutely zero way I’ll be making an A.  I’m going to try to do the work the best I can and hope he sees that I did what I could, not that I’m holding my breath.

Anyway, I think I’m going to go try to sleep off my anger at having gotten a 2.  Oh, but I guess it’s my own fault, maybe I should have paid more attention and been more clear. Ugh!!!

…(¨`·.·´¨)
…..`·.¸.·Kristyn

It’s 5am and I’m still awake.  In a few hours, I’ll have been awake 24 hours.  I’m sleepy, but not sleepy enough to sleep.  Rain is pouring from the sky, which reminds me that I need to caulk the windows.  The thunder follows brilliant strikes of light that break the night sky.  I love it when it storms.  Sadly, there are those in my house who don’t appreciate it…

Anakin hates storms!!  He such a chicken.  The sad little guy (who I just shaved, today) was trying to climb onto my lap.  There’s not enough room for both of us in my desk chair because of the keyboard tray, which stupidly doesn’t lock open.  So, when he jumped onto my lap, the keyboard try would push itself in.  So, I got his favorite quilt and covered up the cat carrier to make it a dark cubby.  I’ve tried several times in the past to get him to go in there, as he doesn’t have a crate, and he’s never been willing to do it before.  Tonight, he’s not arguing.  He ran into the little cubby when I offered him the safe spot and he’s only moved from there once, when I went into the other room.  Ani’s very needy, so he follows me around everywhere I go.  Poor little guy!  I just couldn’t resist the urge to snap a photo and share it with y’all!

I’m going to be off to bed soon, but I’m pretty worried about Matt, who gets off in a few hours and will have to drive in the storm.  He works 20 miles away, it’s really wet and windy, and the windshield wiper on the driver side is all jacked up, so it doesn’t do it’s job, making it really hard to drive in the rain.  We got a replacement and tried to change it once and between us, we couldn’t figure out how to change it.  Stupid car.  It makes me worried about him getting home safely, but he’s a good driver, so I think he’ll be okay.  Fingers crossed that he stays safe.

Good night!

…(¨`·.·´¨)
…..`·.¸.·Kristyn

So, a few weeks ago, I started seeing commercials for More to Love.  Have you seen them?  Apparently, it’s a dating reality show by the producers of The Bachelor.  The premise?  “Real” women and a normal guy look for love.  By real women, they mean women who’re not a size 2.  I admit, I sort of had a minor freak out about it, and not in a good way.  I was instantly insulted that heavy women have to have their own reality show because they’re rejected by shows like The Bachelor, where all the women look like barbie dolls.  I really, really, really (infinitely repeating) hate shows like The Bachelor!  I think they perpetrate negative stereotypes about women, all crooning around some wealthy guy.  It’s completely superficial.  They never get married.  The only that that did get married is Trista and Ryan, and I think they still are.  Even so, I feel like dating reality shows just make women feel bad about themselves.  So, when I saw the preview for More to Love, I was even more insulted than usual, because to me it looked like they were singling out heavy girls saying, “these girls can’t make it on the regular Bachelor show.”

Yes, I pitched a fit.  A big fit.  Every time I saw the commercial, I freaked out.

I think I freaked out so much that Matt got tired of it because he said, “What’s wrong with it?”  This, of course, set me off on a long string of reasons I was insulted by the very idea of the show.  “So you’re not going to watch it?” he asked.  “NO!” I confirmed.  He looked at me for a long time, until I started to feel self-conscious.  Then he had the audacity to… defend it!  He said that there are a lot of men in America who like full-figured women, he called it a fetish.  I just blinked at him and shook my head.  He wasn’t kidding, he really believes that.  Granted, he likes his women with a little (*eh hem*) cushion for the pushin’, so to speak.  Still, there’s a little voice in my brain that says he’d much rather have a skinny wife.  Yes, I push my issues off onto him. Yes, I realize I’m doing it.  Do I think it’s going to change anytime soon?  Nope.  He told me I should watch it before I judge it.

Okay, so I watched it.

After watching it (it’s on right after Hell’s Kitchen), I still have a few issues.  I also liked it.  The guy, Luke, is really cute!  He’s a big guy, but carries himself well and he seems like a nice guy.  Of course, he’s probably a total jerk on the inside, but that could be my lack of faith in humanity speaking.  He says he wants a girl who’s not dieting all the time (one that’s not obsessing over diet pills, like me), but instead wants one that enjoys life to it’s fullest, regardless of her size.  He’s a home owner, makes a six-figure salary, and loves to cook.  He says he’s a meat and potatoes guy, which seems a bit generic to me until I remember that (almost) all men are meat and potatoes kinda guys!

So what was my problem with it?  Well, all the women were pretty good looking but they all had rejection issues.  Some of them were early to mid-20′s and had never been on a date.  They all said things like, “I really want to find a man who can look past my weight and love me for me.”  In otherwords, they all have fear of rejection associated with their size.  This is something I can understand, though I’ve never had trouble getting a man (not to brag, though it probably sounds like it).  That said, I’ve not looked for one in 10 years, so who knows if I’d have trouble finding one now a days… I’d just have to go looking for those guys who like big girls. (Ha!).  I digress, this rejection thing is one of my biggest problems with it.

On the first show, there were 20 women.  Many of them were really very good looking.  Luke had to narrow it down to 15 girls that show, which means 5 girls had to suffer immediate rejection.  For women with issues about rejection due to their size, to be rejected by a show filled with heavy women, by a guy who likes full-figured gals, seems like a cruel thing to do.  I mean, how must they feel after that?  I think it sort of tears them down, which I don’t like.

Also, all the women on the show put on big smiles and said things like, “I’m a beautiful person, I want to share that with someone” but in their eyes, it was clear many of them didn’t believe it.  It made me hurt, mostly because I sympathize with them.  I think I’m a pretty good person, I’m interesting, have a good education, form opinions about politics and religion all on my own, I’m not a sheep.  The problem is, like those women, I have issues believing that anyone would find me all that interesting.  And of course, all the women cried when they were talking about looking for someone who could look past their weight.  Most of them said things like, “I have trouble believing men would like me, I just think they’d like my skinny friends.”  The whole thing made me feel a bit bad, not just for them, but for myself.

This show has touched on some very real issues for me, which makes me feel like more of a basketcase than usual.  I’m going to keep watching it, because seeing these beautiful, full-figured girls has made me feel like a total frump.   I spend a lot of time thinking my appearance doesn’t matter one way or another because who would find me attractive, but seeing these girls has made me think that a little effort might help my self-confidence.  I mean, today I wore my hair down and I felt really good about how I looked and it made me able to assert myself more than usual.  So, maybe there’s something to this?!  Who knows.

If you’ve not seen it, you should.  I like it, and I don’t like these sorts of shows!  Besides, if Matt saw fit to defend it, and then actually watch it, I feel like it’s worth the time.  There’re not many thing’s he goes to bat for this way, though I think partially he was rebelling against my tirade.  He said he liked it, too.  If we both like it, it must be good!

…(¨`·.·´¨)
…..`·.¸.·Kristyn

I was watching Fine Living on Monday evening, while studying for my Geology test.  If you’ve ever seen this channel, you know they focus largely on vacations and luxury homes, things like that.  I like to dream, though I have no interest in most fine luxuries.  I like to think I’m watching it for research, I am a writer after all!  Anyway, they were talking about vacations around the world and I got to thinking about where I might like to go on vacation.  You know what I came to realize?  I would really like to take a cruise.  Okay, I admit this could partially because I was studying geological features, such as ocean basins.  My brain might have been combining the oceanic geology with the vacation background noise, but either way, I think someday I would really like to take a cruise!

Have you been on a cruise?  I hear it’s amazing.  With the summer in full swing, my day dreaming mode is on full power!

At this point, I do have to share something with you.  I went, with my ex-husband, to the Queen Mary Seaport in Long Beach, CA in 1998.  Everything was fine while we toured the guts of the ship, but when I got up on the deck, I got motion sick.  If you’ve ever been to the Queen Mary, you know that she’s in dry dock.  There’s water around her, but she’s sitting on the sandy shelf in the bay.    As I stood, looking out over the choppy water of the bay, I began to feel really sick.  It was at this point that we decided it was best to move our trip to the gift shop, on solid ground and go see the Spruce Goose (at this time, the Queen Mary and the Spruce Goose were being shown together).  I couldn’t even stand on a ship in dry dock without getting sick!  Do I still want to take a cruise?  Yup, sure do!!

While most people take Caribbean cruises, or go to Mexico or Hawaii, I think I’d  really like to take an Alaskan cruise!  I have very little interest in baking in the humid Caribbean heat, even if the water is remarkably blue.  I’d much rather be floating on a cruise ship, way up north, watching the frosty land and glacial ice drift by!  Besides, Caribbean cruises require you to wear a bathing suit, something I would never do publicly!  Sweaters and mittens are more my speed.  My only fear is that we’d go on an Alaskan cruise and Matt would want to stay there!  Hell, I might want to stay there, now that Sarah Palin’s gone!  Ha!  That’s an entirely other topic.

I hear cruise ships have sprawling dining rooms that host formal dinners, a bar, spa’s to get a massage or facial.  Sounds amazing to me.  The only thing I’d have to figure a way around is the motion sickness.  As I sit here, typing this, I’m feeling a little ill at the very idea of motion sickness.  This is a serious problem for me.  No dream vacation could be a dream with motion sickness.  So, I would have to spend the whole time doped up on Dramamine, but it would totally be worth it!

It would cost us $1,250 per person for a 7 day cruise, and I’m pretty sure that doesn’t include the airfare to get there.  We’d also need passports, I think, since it goes into Canada.  Still, cruises are all inclusive, they include the meals and the stateroom and for that price per person, we would have a nice stateroom with a balcony.  It drops to about $850 per person with a smaller stateroom.  Sadly, the cost is crazy so we’re not going to be going on any cruises any time soon.  That doesn’t mean we won’t go on one ever, I’m going to keep it in mind for the future… the way, way future.

I can’t wait until that future is a reality.  For the time being, a girl can dream, can’t she?

…(¨`·.·´¨)
…..`·.¸.·Kristyn