Retold

A recent entry on my pal Mayren’s blog drew my attention to something called The Big Sit.  Basically, it’s a 90 day zen meditation challenge hosted by Tricycle, a Buddhist community.  I think I’m going to take part.  It’s highly involved, part of which I know for certain I will not be involved in, but the gist is that you take 20 minutes each day to meditate.  The other parts are all Buddhist spiritual exercises, like studying Dogen’s Genjokoan, listening to dharma talks, and committing to the sixteen Bodhisattva precepts.  The spirituality involved isn’t for me, though I did look into it to learn before and have learned that Buddhism is really very interesting.  The event officially began on February 23rd, so I’m a little late, but they say it’s okay to start whenever you like.  So even though it started 3 days ago, I’m still not too late.

Meditation is not a spiritual exercise for me, at least not in the typical sense.  For many, meditation represents a spiritual journey, a place to go outside the body, another dimension for the mind, a transcendental experience.  For me, meditation is a time to be completely alone in my own mind, a time to just think and contemplate.  It’s a time for me to be alone with my spirit, completely alone, and in that sense alone is it spiritual for me.  Meditation soothes the mind, they say, and I’m hoping that over the next 90 days that proves to be the truth.  I really need to calm my mind and my nerves and just try to live my life.  I’m so bogged down in the process of freaking out about everything that I have trouble experiencing life.  I suppose I just want to de-clutter my mind and I’m thinking this could be the best way.  I also find that lately, my memory is horrible.  Worse than usual.  I leave things undone, I walk into the kitchen to make water and leave it in there, then I wonder where it went.  I really need to do something to get back in touch with myself.  The Mayo Clinic even supports meditation as a way to reduce stress in your life.

There are a few problems, which add to my stress overall.  The first is that getting 20 minutes of total, undisturbed quiet is impossible in my house.  I don’t have any kids, obviously, but the phone rings off the hook, the dog barks at every little sound, the cat breaks an average of one dish a day, and Matt only talks to me when I want to be left alone.  20 minutes around here might as well be an hour …might as well be six hours.  The other problem is that Matt sort of scoffs at things like this.  I told him once that I wanted to get a fish.  When he asked me why, I told him it was because I find fish to be calming, serene, and I needed a calming influence, however small.  He laughed at me and to this day, I still don’t have a fish.  He’s sweet, but he can be supremely unsupportive of things he finds to be ridiculous.  I’m a little afraid to tell him about this because I’m worried it’ll be like the fish.

All in all, despite the potential problems, I think it could be really good for me.  I’m still trying to weigh it out because I’m still trying to get my life in some semblance of order.  I need a regular sleeping schedule, a regular exercise schedule (walking & yoga), regular eating habits (3 square meals a day and healthy snacks), a writing schedule, and now a meditation schedule.  I would really like to do the meditation at the same time every day.  Making healthy habits is top priority for me right now, even though I’m still struggling to make those habits, let alone making them stick.

One thing they do offer at Tricycle as a part of this challenge is the vows.  I think, though I won’t be taking part in the Buddhist element of this challenge, I am going to take the vows.  The vows look like this…

Body

I will restore my body by ________________________________________________

I will nourish my body by ________________________________________________

I will honor my body by _________________________________________________

Mind

I will work with my mind by meditating daily for _______ minutes.

I will study the Genjokoan by ____________________________________________

Spirit

I will renew my spirit by ________________________________________________

I will strengthen my spirit by ____________________________________________

The above vows come from The Big Sit challenge page.  I can either use theirs, or make my own.  I haven’t yet decided which it’ll be.  Vows are a way to dedicate one’s self to the process.  Dedication is something I always have trouble with.  I have trouble doing things all the way to the end.  I want to do this all the way to the end.  I’ll let you know what I plan to do.  I’m just a little concerned that in the midst of trying to make so many positive changes in my life, I may have skipped the baby step stage.  Who needs baby steps anyway?

Good night.

…(¨`·.·´¨)
…..`·.¸.·Kristyn

I think I may have mentioned before that I got a new computer in January.  I needed it, badly, and I’m absolutely loving the system I got.  The shipping was horribly slow coming out, no fault of FexEx, but more of Alienware, otherwise it’s absolutely awesome!  Now, I’m thinking I might look into getting an external hard drive.  Not right now, but when I can afford it, maybe over the summer.  Big maybe there, but we’ll see.

Here’s my problem, there are simply too many external hard drives to choose from.  Oh, and I have no idea how to chose one.  Add the two and I have a problem.  So, I’m going to start doing research, but I’d like to hear what you have to say.  Help me out here, give me some suggestions.  Thanks!

…(¨`·.·´¨)
…..`·.¸.·Kristyn

Someone save me from my neighborhood.  I think I’ve written before about my lovely neighbors.  There’s a house next door to ours that’s constantly got new tenants.  People come looking, they move in, they live there a little while and they leave.  Of all the people we’ve seen living over there over the last 5 years, I’ve only seen two of them bring boxes or furniture, so I’m given to the belief that the house is probably furnished.  I have no idea, I’ve never gone over there.  The people who move in there are always unbearable!!  They always have kids.  They always have ten thousand friends who insist on parking in our drive way, on our street behind the car, or on the damn lawn.   They’re always generally unfriendly.  One of them actually had the audacity to call the cops on us once!  I know it was them because of the way they looked at us every time we were outside after that.  They gave us the “we’re guilty” look, which we returned with the “shame on you for not minding your own business” look.  There was no reason for them to do what we did.  Yes, we were fighting that day, but not any louder than usual.

Thin walls make for bad neighbors, in my opinion.  The houses in this neighborhood are all really close together.  Do the neighbors keep to themselves, make sure their kids don’t run a muck, and try to help keep the neighborhood comfortable for everyone?  No.  Of course not, why ever would they do a thing like that?  Ugh.  I’m sure you can guess by now that the house over there, which has been empty almost 6 months now, got new tenants.  New people moved in there a week ago.

When the girl was over there looking at the house she looked nice enough.  She smiled at us, which is unusual, and seemed generally friendly.  Then she moved in, she and got knows how many people, with like 10 kids.  Now, the small space between our houses, only about 20 feet, is filled screaming kids running back and forth.  As a result, my sweet little dog, Anakin, stands on the back of the sofa, half behind the blinds, barking his head off at the kids, who see him in the window and harass him.  Their parents come out of the house on occasion, I’ve seen three or four different women over there, and yell at their kids, which just makes the kids scream more and get’s my dog barking again.  If it’s possible, they’re the worst neighbors we’ve had!!

Oh, but it get’s better.  I walked past the back door two days ago to see them constructing something in the space between our houses.  I didn’t think much of it, I figured something was wrong with the house and the parts were the fix.  30 minutes later, the louder than usual screaming back there caught my attention.  I went to the back door and looked out to find that the parts were not, in fact, parts to fix the house, they were the pieces of a giant trampoline.  The screaming was half the kids, five or six of them, jumping up and down 10 feet from my back door.  Why god, why?!

That image is the view from the windows in my backdoor.  See how close the stupid thing is to my house?  My bedroom is in the back of the house.  Those screaming kids are like 10 feet from my bedroom window.  Oh and of course they do the ghetto thing and put an above-ground pool ladder up to it.  Welcome to my personal hell.

The trampoline worries me for a number of reasons.  The biggest is that a trampoline is a sign that those people with all their screaming kids and friends parking on our lawn plan to be there a while.  With so many people coming and going over there, it’s almost assured that horrible neighbors are a temporary fixture.  So much so, in fact, that I’ve wondered, and not on just one occasion, what might be wrong with that house.  None of them had ever installed anything like this, a sign that they’re planing to be long-term residents.  My only hope is that something is wrong with the house and it’ll be enough to drive them, their brats, and the stupid trampoline far, far away from me.  The reality is that the house probably rents to section 8 tenants, which is why they almost always have kids.

If not, I’m probably going to say something to management.  I can’t have that stupid thing so close to my house.  Really, who does that.  We share a very small common space, why do they need to invade it by putting that stupid things up back there?  I don’t know and I don’t care.  The chance that they’ll do anything about it is small, but if there’s any chance at all that they could do something, I’ll take it.  I am so freaking annoyed.  You know, I bet that thing is an insurance issue.  I mean, the property belongs to a management company, if a kid falls off of that thing and breaks their neck, that has to be an issue, right?

All in all, I’m sufficiently pissed off.  I was feeling kind of uncomfortable that the houses on both sides of us were empty.  I mean, more people around means more safety for everyone, but I’d rather take my chances with squatters in the empty houses, or no one to hear me screaming, than to deal with these people and their screaming banshee kids.  Oh, did I mention that all I’ve seen over there are women and children, no men.  There was a guy putting the trampoline together, but I think he was someone they’d paid to put the thing up.

Why can’t we just have nice, pleasant, neighbors?  I mean, really?  You know how they say “be happy for what you have because things could always be worse?”  Yeah, remember and observe it.  That saying has become my motto.  Everytime I’ve wished for better neighbors, I’ve gotten worse, louder, or cop calling people.  Am I, despite my own warning, wishing I could get new neighbors… yes, yes I am.

…(¨`·.·´¨)
…..`·.¸.·Kristyn

Confession time, because I think random confessions are good for the soul.  So, in the interest of clearing some of the clutter out of my head, they say it’s good to say out loud (or in print, in this case) what’s on your mind so you can let it go.  I don’t think letting it go will work for me, I cling to things, but I’m going to share with you anyway because keeping things like this a secret are hard on the psyche.

Below is a list of 1o random things I’m afraid of.  Most of them are utterly ridiculous.  I’m a total paranoid hypochondriac.  Pardon me while I share my pointless, spastic fears with the world.  I will try to justify them to the best of my ability.

1. The agora: Okay, weird, I know.  I’m a total agoraphobic.  Agoraphobia is literally a fear of the marketplace, on a less literal level, it’s a fear of open and public spaces/places. If I could stay in my house forever and never go outside, I would do it without a second thought.  Going out gives me anxiety, I still do it, it’s not easy.  Can you imagine what it’s like for me to look for work?  Ugh.
2. Axe Murderers: Maybe not so much fear as fascination.  I am afraid to be axe murdered, but axe murderers intrigue me.  Poor Matt.
3. Babies: I don’t like them.  If you know me, you know that.  If you don’t know me, you know now.  Babies are cute and cuddly for about 10 minutes, then I want rid of them.  I don’t like to be around kids, I don’t like to see kids, I don’t like to hear kids.  I don’t like kids.  I have this fear that someday, someone is going to give me one, or try to leave me alone with theirs, and I’ll break it.
4. Mesothelioma: This one is not my fault.  It’s totally random and silly, but I can’t help it.  I know you don’t just come down with it, I know this in my rational mind, but I can’t help being randomly afraid of it.  I blame all those lawyer commercials, you know the ones where they tell you if you’ve been exposed to asbestos and have been diagnosed with Mesothelioma to call them.  I was born in 1978, asbestos was still in use in 1978.  I’m paranoid.
5. College Graduation: What will I do?  I have no idea and that’s why it scares me.  This is possibly the most non-irrational fear on this list.  I suppose I’ll figure it out when it happens.
6. Psychiatrists: If I go to one, they’re liable to tell me I’m totally nuts… as this list very well proves.  Thinking I’m nuts and hearing it from a trained professional are two very different things.  I want to get some help for some of my problems, but I don’t think I can do it.  I wonder what a fear of psychiatrists is called?
7. Flying: Yes, flying.  I don’t like it.  Everyone I know likes it, I don’t like it.  Last year, when I went to CA for my sister’s wedding, I got so sick and disoriented I got off the damn plane and got stuck in Las Vegas.  It’s not as fun as it sounds, since I didn’t have anything with me, except my credit card, and I was sick.  Thankfully, my mom came out there and got me.  Flying should maybe be #1.
8. Fundies: If you don’t know what they are, I’m not telling you.  I don’t fear them personally, I worry about their agenda.  Of course, I’m not ruling out the possibility that they could abduct me and make me drink to cool-aid.  (PS. Yes, I’m afraid of these fundies too).
9. Gyms: You will not find me in one.  I think this goes, at least partially, to my agoraphobia.  Really, though, I fear the people in gyms.  I can’t imagine working out in front of people, especially aerobic classes.  I mean, what must they be thinking about me?  I don’t know and that’s the point.  Oh, and who knows what kind of germs live in gyms.  Yuck!  Irrational, yes, but fear none-the-less.  That said, I have been thinking it might be fun to go to Curves, if I didn’t have to go alone.  Too bad they get somewhat bad press about injuries and such from their equipment.
10. Clocks: This one is NOT a fear.  It’s a fascination.  I have this totally weird fascination with clocks.  I don’t collect them, nothing that weird, but I have this sort of strange obsession about them.  I dream about them constantly, especially cuckoo clocks, and have no idea why.  Probably because I’m cuckoo!

Welcome to my head.

…(¨`·.·´¨)
…..`·.¸.·Kristyn