Retold

Okay, so first I wanted to apologize for the ranty nature of the previous post.  I have some issues, I needed to get that one out, and this is my blog so I figured, what the hell, right?  If I offended anyone, my apologies.  Okay, not onto the topic at hand which can be summed up in two words…

I’m nervous.

Matt and I are going on Tuesday night to meet a friend that we know from our online life and I’m a bit nervous about it.  He’s not, but that’s just how he is.  He rolls with the punches.  I, on the other hand, have some serious insecurity issues which I cannot recon myself to.  I’m one of these people who would stay inside the house and never leave if life worked that way.  I’m shy, at least in real life (as opposed to in World of Warcraft, where I share my opinion freely), and I suffer from something close to sever agoraphobia.  If you’re not sure what it is, it means I have an irrational fear/anxiety about leaving my house and going to public places and open spaces.  It’s irrational, yes, I know, I said so in the previous sentence, but it’s a real fear for me.  I’m a basket case.

Once we meet, I’m sure my anxiety will go away, it usually does.  It’s just the initial meeting that scares the holy crap out of me.  She and I and Matt are friends in game and I’m really excited to be able to meet her, but I’m also way aprehensive due to my insecurity.  I don’t really know how to explain it, to be honest.  I can only say that people expect one thing from what they know of you in game, and it’s often different than what they’re really getting.  They may expect that you look a certain way or behave a certain way, none of which may actually be you.  I think a lot of people in game, for instance, would be surprised to know that I am very, very shy!  I doubt seriously that she has any expectations about how we may appear or behave in real life, I know I certainly don’t of her, but that little devil in the back of my mind is always whispering to me… frankly, I wish she’d shut the fuck up, the little devil that is my conscience, I mean!

I suppose it all comes back to my fears.  Irrational, unfounded, rediculous fears.  I told you, I’m a basket case.  Most of it comes from my lack of self-esteem.  My weight issues, my anxiety issues, my lack of ability to be sociable when called upon specifically to be so.

I’m sure it will go well and we’ll all have a nice meal and great conversation!  I’ll let y’all know.

Being back in school has been somewhat bittersweet for me so far.  A year off may not sound like a long time but it’s forever!!  I went from staying up all night and getting up when I wanted to, to hitting the sack at 11pm because I have to be up at 7am come hell or high water.  I’ve spent the week so far tired as hell and dragging ass, but I’ve made it to every class meeting so far.  I even made it this morning after waking up late.  If you think that didn’t take some work in convincing myself… ha!

More than myself and my personal struggle to get it together, though, being back in school has given me a look at what’s floating around campus these days.  Let me tell you, it is as scary as ever in some cases.  I have seen everything from 18 year old girls trying to bring the 80′s back (oh, the irony), to a linguistics professor who actually stutters! It’s been… diverse. The one thing, however, that has never changed is the multitude of teenyboppers, just out of high school and away from home for the first time, coming to school dressed like they whores. I’m sorry if the word offends, it’s not meant to, but there’s really no other way to get my meaning across. I mean, since when were tube tops and tiny… tiny… little white cotton shorts appropriate for anyplace public other than the beach?  It’s not really even appropriate for the bar, but apparently, it’s become appropriate college attire.

Frankly, I think that the fact that we’re in the presence of Ph.D’s should warrant more attention to covering up your goodies than it seems to these days.  I go to class completely dressed.  I cover myself up, or at least the socially inappropriate parts.  I don’t show my bra straps on purpose, I don’t show my ass because my jeans are too low cut on the tops or too tight.  Why do these girls feel the need to do it?  I’ll tell you why, it’s because they’re man-fishing.  Their bleach blond, too much makeup at 8am, skin tight bimbo look attracts (mostly young, uneducated) men like flies to honey.  They’re looking for a man, not an education.  Okay, fine, but my god, could you at least not pretend you’re there because you give a shit about learning!  Yup, I’m in a ranty, judgmental mood today.  I’m sorry, but if I can’t rant here, where can I?

Oh, and while I’m on the subject of things you shouldn’t do at college, I’m going to move on from the attire rant to the “What did you just say?!” rant.  I was sitting in my Sociolinguistics class yesterday, first day with the stuttering professor, who I’ve heard hands out higher grades to the man-fishers and their tube tops if they give him just the right angle, when the girl next to me is discussing with another girl what it’s like to be English majors.  They were saying that people who find them to be English majors often attempt to correct speech errors, etc.  Okay, then the one girl says, “I don’t care how people speak, I just want to find a man, get married, and have babies.”  WHAT?!  Please, please, please be kidding.  She giggled a little and said, “I know, it’s stupid” and the other girl actually validated her desire by telling her it wasn’t stupid.  Having babies is all fine and well and just because I don’t want to do it doesn’t mean I think others shouldn’t have the right, but why does that mean that you have to give up your own brain?  I mean, fuck! (Yes, I said fuck… again).  If you meet a man in college, okay, but going there to find one, no.  Go to college to get an education, I know it’s a novel idea, but my god!

Okay, so, yeah.  I mean, I probably sound just the tiniest bit bitter.  I’m not, not at all and you probably don’t believe a word of that. I don’t think I would either, I can’t wear tube tops (one size fits all my ass) and frankly, I don’t think anyone else should either.  I want an education and I think everyone else in college should too!!  Is that too much to ask?  Clearly it is.

Other than my adventures in wardrobe(less) land, also known as college, class has been great.  My biology professor is a sexy beast, which should keep me going to class regularly.  Normally it wouldn’t matter, but I’ve failed this class once before and really, really, really need to pass it this time.  Eye candy professor helps, it really does.  Wait, is that a double standard?  Hawt professors are okay, girls in tiny little tube tops are not… nope, don’t think so!  I mean, at least sexy professor has a Ph.D, which means he has an education, so there you have it.  If tube top girls want to get a Ph.D and wear a tube top, I’ll stop bitching about it.

Oh and bad news from the front is, I might not grad in May like I thought.  Apparently, you have to have 45 hours of upper level (3000 & 4000 level) classes to graduate.  My damn program, however, only requires me to have 33… so, um, what?  I have no idea how it’s supposed to work, but I’ll only have 30 upper levels after this semester.  That means, in stead of having 13 hours to go, I’ll have 23 hours to go, which means another summer of classes before I can grad and move on to grad school.  Ugh.  I am getting so fucking tired of the setbacks.  It’s not a wonder I’m in a bitchy mood today!  I have an advising appointment tomorrow and hopefully, he’ll be able to shed some light on this unpleasant situation.

On all those lovely notes, I have to go.  I have a TON of reading to do before tomorrow.  It’s only the first week and I’m wishing it was over… maybe that’s my tired talking.  I need a nap.

~ Kristyn

Here I am, one year older than when last we spoke.  I’m back and I’m 30 years old now.  It has been a long nearly two months since last I wrote.  I’ve moved back to kristynmarie.com, which you probably know if you’re here and reading this.  I’m sorry for the constant change and moving around.  It’s really indicative of how I’ve been feeling lately.  When I’m unsettled, it’s not unusual for me to move things around, it used to be furniture, but my house is so cramped and lacking in space, moving my furniture isn’t a reality… so instead I move my virtual furniture, so to speak.  I’m going to stay here, come hell or high water, so no more moves (I wish I could promise, but you know me).  I think the problem I was having has gone away, so it’s back to being who I am, no more secret identity crap.  I just can’t do it, I’ve found.  When hiding behind an alias, I can’t be who I am, which does not inspire me to write, not at all.  So, here I am again.

School is back in as of today.  I’m taking 13 credit hours, which my financial aid covered, if only barely.  By the time I spend $500 on books, there won’t be anything left.  So much for extra money to pay the bills.  I’m just trying to see this positively, I’m trying to be grateful that it at least covered my tuition and books.  I have two classes on Mon, Wed, Fri and two on Tues & Thurs.  I also have a biology lab Mondays.  I’m in class at 9am every day and out before 12:30pm every day with the single exception of Mondays when my lab goes to 12:50pm.  It’s not a bad course load, except that I’m taking two writing classes, an advanced history, and a lab science.  Not a bad class schedule, but a ton of studying, that’s what I’m looking at right now.

I took six hours over the summer, which was a lot of work, given that it’s all cramped into two, five week sessions.  I took general psych and American lit, both of which were online.  It was nice to get back into school this past summer, and even nicer to take them online.  My first semester back after a year off and my classes were easy to get into and stay interested even in the rush because I could do them in my own time, at home.  I would take all net classes if that were possible, sadly, it’s not a reality.  The good news of the summer is that I made an A in Dr. Tanter’s class and she doesn’t readily hand out A’s.  She’s known to give B’s and many people will say that if you make a B in her class, it’s as good as an A elsewhere.  I don’t have to say it, at least not this time, because I did make an A!!  Yay for me!!

Otherwise, it’s been an emotionally trying summer as my grandmother is very sick.  My folks were actually in TX with my middle sister and her sons to see my grandma in July and due to money and school, I didn’t get around to going to see them.  She has stage 3 ovarian cancer that spread into her stomach.  She had two surgeries, or three, and is now taking Chemo.  Sadly, the chemo is making her very, very sick and very weak.  I’d like to go see her but again, school and money prevent me.  I feel terrible, I feel like a bad grandaughter.  For now, I have no other choice, I just hope she understands.

Otherwise, I’ve been just sort of trying to adjust to the anxiety of being back in school and trying to reconcile my feelings about my grandmothers condition.  The two things together have made for a very unsettled me.  I tried in July to lose some weight, I did manage to lose 15 or so lbs, but it’s not enough.  I need to get back to it, but I don’t have the will right now.  I can’t seem to find the time or desire to do what needs to be done, and I don’t want to half-ass it.  I suppose 15 lbs, 10 now as I gained a bit back, is better than nothing.

The last new thing before I go is my new blog.  I’m an avid World of Warcraft-aholic.  It’s my hobby and I love it.  I love the escape.  So, in light of that, I’ve started a new blog, a WoW blog.  If you’re interested you can find it at http://electronicescape.com.  If you’re not interested, it doesn’t hurt my feelings at all.  It’s a niche, it’s not for everyone.

On that note, it’s time for me to go.  I’m starving and still have to get books.

~ Kristyn