Retold

I finally just broke down and went to the doctor today. I hate doctors, I hate that sterile smell and cold impersonal feeling that doctor’s offices tend to have. I hate it all. But, it was necessary. I wasn’t planning to go to day at all actually. Yesterday, my problem was acting up and I wanted to go at all costs, today not so much so I tried to ignore it. The doctor called me. Apparently, they got the message I left on their answering machine. I figured, since they did call me, it must be a sign, so I went. No, I don’t believe in signs, but you know what I mean.

I spent two hours up there, only to find out that I have an infection, which I already knew. Good job doctors, 8 years in med school for that! It was actually a nurse practitioner I saw, so yea, probably not 8 years, but still. Sheesh! They gave me Cipro, so hopefully I’ll start feeling better soon. Honestly, though, I don’t actually feel bad, just uncomfortable. I’d rather not feel uncomfortable at all.

Then, I came right home, in the glorious rain storm we had today, and called my mom. When she answered I said, “I would just like you to know that I went to the doctor today, just like you said.” Followed by, “and she told me to drink more water.” From my mom I got the equivalent of, “I told you so.” Damnit! I hate it when mom’s right (love you, mom!). The nurse practitioner, in the same breath that she said I should drink more water, told me that there’s a record number of cases of kidney stones here because the water is so hard. Great. So, I’m going to try to get a Brita water filter or bottled water or something. I sure the heck don’t need kidney stones and it would be just my luck to get them, too!

So, my goals for the week are… take med and get better, drink more bottled/processed water, and see ‘Sex and the City’ the movie, of course! In that order, since SatC doesn’t come out until Friday afternoon!

Fangirl? Who me?

Over the past few months, where here or at the blog I just retired, I’ve made several small mentions of my impending birthday.  On July 23rd, I will be 30 years old.  I’ve mentioned it sporadically, I realize now, because as much as I like to tell myself that it doesn’t matters or that it’s not affecting me, well, it does matter and is affecting me, even as I strive to deny it.  I’m not overly concerned about being old.  Aging is a process of life, we all experience it.  However, turning 30 is a benchmark in one’s life, it’s a mark, a day to look back at the past three decades and consider what they’ve meant.  A day to look forward to the next three decades and wonder how they’ll be different.

I wish I could say that much had come of my twenties.  Then again, I suppose now a days, thirty is the new twenty five.  Everyone expected you to be totally together by the time you were twenty-five or you were a failure.  Now, if you’re thirty and still trying to figure out what you want from your life, you’re just taking the time to consider it.  I like it, or did up to the point that I’m turning thirty and am supposed to have it worked out.  Sadly, I’m far from having it worked out.

I want to write, but I don’t know that I have it in me to try and make a career of that.  I work well under pressure and deadlines only to the point that those pressures are overwhelming, then I close down.  I’m a bit of a basket case.  Creativity flows, I start to write, feel pressured by the idea and my creative center shuts down totally and I can’t think of anything.  Do you know what that’s like?  To sit and stare and literally be blank?  It’s so soothing and disturbing and empty.

I want to finish college.  I’m almost done.  I have something like 30 hours left to go.  Ironic, as I’m turning 30 this year.  So, maybe this will be the year I finish my education.  Initially, it was really important for me to graduate before I turned 30, but I think it’ll be okay as long as I finish before I’m 31.  I don’t know why, I mean, it seems silly.  What’ll be different next year?  I’ll be one year older, so what?! My friend is in her early thirties and finishing college.  But for me, it’s a personal goal.  I didn’t meet the first one, I’m not going to finish by the time I’m 30, but the second is more than attainable.

Other than those two little things, it would easier for me to say what I don’t want than what I do.  I know that in the years to come I don’t want to have kids.  I don’t want to stay in this house in this town.  I don’t want to gain any more f*cking weight.  I don’t want to waste away doing nothing like I did with the first three decades.  I don’t want to begin any new relationships, sad but true.  I’m fairly happy with the relationships I have, my husband and friends and those I know online.  This doesn’t mean I don’t want to make new friends, but I certainly want to be more selective about it than I have been previously because friendships are now and have always been very difficult for me.  I don’t want to have too many irons in the fire or start too many projects I won’t be able to finish. I don’t want to wonder how I got here, to this point in my life, nor do I want to retrace the steps because regrets are good for nothing.  Yes, we should always remember who we are and where we came from, we should remember our mistakes so we don’t make repeat performances, but to regret is to waste more time on something that is already a part of the past and impossible to change.  I don’t want to work in an office, doing something I hate for someone I can’t stand.  I don’t want to be so stressed out and uptight about things I have no control over.  I don’t want to obsess and worry and be a bitch.  I don’t want to argue about petty BS with people that don’t matter in the grand scheme of things.

I could probably go on and on, but those are the big things.  Turning 30 is affecting me.  I can’t stop it, but I can try to understand how I feel about it and how it’s changing me and my outlook.  I still have two months, two more months to be twenty-something.  I’m using them wisely, I’m going back to school in an effort to get that much closer to finishing my education.

Hopefully, 30 will be my most productive year yet.  Crossing my fingers.

I’m sick and tired
Tired of being tired
Very damn tired!!

It’s Friday and I’ve returned with a haiku!  It’s a terrible haiku but like all things, when I’m not feeling well, I lack the creativity for more.  I’ve been fairly quiet here because I’m still sick.  Not sick the way I was over the weekend, but other kinds of sick.  On Monday, my teeth were hurting so bad I nearly went to emergency.  That’s  saying a a LOT as I hate hospitals.  The pain on the right side of my face, where I have a crown that doesn’t fit at all well, and a broken wisdom tooth on the bottom from the ill fitting crowing banging against it all the damn time, finally got so bad that I sort of passed out.  When I woke up, the pain was substantially less severe.  The next morning, my jaw hurt terribly and I had what looked like a black eye on that side.  I think I should see a dentist about getting that wisdom tooth out.

I’ve also been suffering from an infection which is just making me generally achy and unpleasant.  Not an infection in my teeth, though that’s probably there too, but elsewhere.  It’s not bad enough to worry about beyond it’s ability to make me very uncomfortable.  Mom always told me to drink lots of cranberry juice so that’s what I’m doing and it’s helping!

But, like the haiku says, I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired!!  Next week will hopefully be a better one!  It had better be!  Then again, next Friday ‘Sex and the City’ the movie will be in theaters, so no matter how I feel, it’ll be a better week!!!!

I have to tell you, I’m having one hell of a bad weekend.  I went to bed at like 4:30am Saturday morning and woke up at 9am sicker than a dog… come to think of it, I don’t really understand that expression.  Anyway, I was sick and I’m going to spare you the details, we’ll just say that I ate something bad and was down all day.  I slept, slept, and slept some more.  I’m feeling better, but I have a horrible headache from sleeping too much.  Just can’t win.

Today I hopped onto the computer to watch the Season Finale of Moonlight only to find that Moonlight isn’t going to be renewed.  My favorite show isn’t in the fall line-up.  I hate CBS.  They make us wait more than two months for the last three or four episodes, they give us a “community” with message boards recently, then they fail to renew, saying something about it being a bad fit for Ghost Whisperer, as if they couldn’t just move it to another night or time slot.  Did I mention I hate CBS?

So yeah, my weekend is turning out to be one hell of a bad couple of days.  I’d like to complain some more, but my head is killing me and I have to clean the house, which is what I had actually intended to do with yesterday, had I not been sick.

I know I’ve been horrible about visiting y’all, for that I’m sorry.  It’s been a tough time of late.  I’ll see you all at your blogs on Monday.  For now, the house is a mess and I’m the only one to clean it up.  Oh and I promised my husband Mexican Cheese Fondue today so I’d better get cooking.